"Their world does not revolve around you alone."
These are the words that I would often tell myself whenever I'd feel neglected. This is what I hate about myself.I'm an attention seeker. Nevertheless, I choose the people whom I long for. But I never forget to thank and love those people who has time for me. I'm a jealous freak. I want all attentions on me. I want to be the center of everything. I want to be number one. I want to be the ONLY one. And you know how these things affect me whenever I don't attain them? I undergo self pity.
When I was a little younger, my sister and mom would slap me with the words that I keep on pulling myself down. Because then, I grew up with the thought that in this world, I'm just a tiny little atom that people would ignore.
I actually grew up seeking for everybody's attention. I wanted someone to look at me as something important. As something that would affect his/her whole being when I'm not around. But I know it is wrong. It will be always wrong.
When I tell you I'm silent, I'd want you to break that silence. I'd want you to tell me you'll never want me to shut my effing mouth up. But that isn't right. Because the more you tolerate my selfishness, the more worse it gets. There are times wherein I'd want to just keep quiet. Distant myself from people. So I'd stop assuming. I'd stop hoping. I'd stop being a complete attention seeking pain in the ass. This isn't how I chose it. This isn't how I want it to be. It's been so long since I've felt these things. Probably since I was born. Until now that I'm growing tired of it day by day. I'm tired of looking at myself as a weakling. I'm tired of being strong because people told me to be strong. I'm tired of disturbing people to lift me up. I'm tired of completing myself by the words of other people. I'm tired of being such a dependent duck.
I want to be someone because I MADE that someone. I want to be strong because I AM strong. I want to be strong for myself because I KNOW I CAN be strong. I want to lift myself up by thinking that I deserve it. I want to complete myself with my acts and free will. I want to be independent in some way. In a way where even if the world turns its back on me, I'd carry on. In a way that if people would choose not to love me, I'd be able to supply myself with sufficient love. And in a way where I'd survive by myself.
Thinking about this bring tears to my eyes. Thinking how many people have been affected by my attitude. How many people I've hurt for being too selfish. How many persons I have offended because of my stupid and worthless words. And how many people I love was affected with my time to time emotional breakdowns.
Some people might look down on me for this. Some people might feel pity over me. But sorry, I don't need your sympathy. What I need right now is some people who would believe in me. People who would tell me I can get through this. And people who would say, "Sus! Si Mary Ruth ka! Yakang-yaka!".
You know sometimes I wish people could read my every move. Or maybe some people. Some who would know when to comfort me. Some who would know when I need a laugh. Some who know when to give me a hug. Some who would tell me repeatedly that they love me. And some who would know when I fake smiles and laughs.
It isn't easy admitting all these. It's just that sometimes, I don't know how to tell this to people. How to break to them the fact that there are emotions in me that are not normal. Thoughts that are too evil to state. That all in all, I'm not that little "bunso" that they would find charming and sweet.
That the intensity of my sadness could be twice the intensity of my happiness.
That I don't always smile. I often cry.
I just hope they know that behind my smiles, there hides my silent cries.
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