"I've had enough."
It is only now that I've finally said those words. It is only now that I let this fucking tears fall. It is only now that I let myself get eaten by this hurt and this uncontrollable emotions. Ang OA no?Felt weird seeing me cry? Me too. I'm actually patient, you know. But only to things that are worth being patient with. These days, my patience is tested to the core. Actually since last year.
This is the only time where I've thought (concluded) myself as despicable. I don't know whether those words were true. But it HURT. A lot.
I am only human. I make mistakes. I cry. I laugh. And I can hate. But you know, SOME people tend to be very judgmental. Treating me like a lifeless and emotionless individual. They spit words at me like I'm not worth of their praises and love.
I don't make sense because I have so many things in my mind that I want to let out. I want to curse. I want to shout and I want to hurt HER/HIM too. But do you know what I'm afraid of? That if I'd do that, I'll loose MORE.
I'm easily bothered by words because I lived fulfilling everybody's expectations of me. And to tell you frankly, I have never encountered insults as explicit as those. I have been insulted before but not as worse as this where it make me look down on myself..
Looked down on myself....Yes, I have. I doubted if I was worth all the love. (please don't kill me for this) I doubted if I really deserve all the love. That maybe, I was REALLY wrong. But they are just trying to make it right for me. So it would be better.
But it is really heartwarming. In fact, it's one of my source of strength.
Teka, hirap mag english. Tagalog ako ha?
Kasi ganito iyan. Naiiyak ako! Walangya :| Naiiyak eh umiiyak na. Masakit na eh. Tangina below the belt! Below the belt nga ba? Hindi ko alam. Basta masakit. Masakit na masakit. At alam mo kung bakit masakit? Kasi kahit masakit na msakit na, kailangan ko paring ngumiti. Tumawa. Magpatawa at magkunwaring buhay pa. Bakit? Kasi ayokong kinaaawaan. Gets? Ayaw ko na may nadadamay sa nararamdaman ako. Na kapag may umiiyak ako, may umiiyak din o kaya naiinis.
Takot na akong magsalita kahit gusto kong magmura. Public ang facebook. Ano ang sasabihin ng mga kamag-anak ko, nanay, tatay, ate, kuya, pinsan at mga kaibigan ko kung si MR biglang nag-FUCK YOU sa facebook? Nakakabahala diba? Kaya ayoko. Ayoko talaga.
Pero wala. Ngayon lang to :) Ngayon lang ako iiyak. Ngayon lang ako malulungkot. Ngayon ko lang dapat ma-feel na gusto kong mabura (ng slight) sa mundo. Like Duh?! Super girl?! ;)
.."Don't go changing to try to please me..You never let me down before.... I love you just the way you are.."
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