Since I was a child, I’m stranded in this world where there was no good. Everything was dark. Every human was bad. And no single soul would care if you’re hurt. I was never really open to the possibilities that life was something beautiful and one of the most precious gifts God gave. For me, life was a struggle. Life was a sacrifice and full of sufferings. I had no “God” before. For me, I was the only thing that existed. The only thing that matters was myself.
That was what’s in my mind when I was a child. Now I’m 17, bits of that mentality still haunts me. The dark world turned into a sunny world. Every human my eyes see are good. And everything is wonderful. But one thing stays. My fears.
I am Astraphobic. I have a fear for thunder, lightning and storms. I had this since I was in grade one after a traumatic experience. Since then, I have always been afraid of heavy rains with thunderstorms. I freak out when the sky growls and cries when it flashes. Pathetic, eh? But yeah, I feel like dying each time it happens.
I’m talking (texting) with my Ate right now. And she asked me one question. “WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF WHEN THERE ARE STORMS?” I felt like I was struck by the tip of the lightning bolt. I answered her, “Basta. Takot ako pag may kulog at kidlat.” Of course, I’m not stupid not to know what that means. I know what her question means. I just don’t want to answer it. Because I don’t know what to answer. She asked me again. “Ano tungkol sa kulog at kidlat ang kinatatakutan mo?” And I answered that I was bother by the news and I’m afraid.
I was illogical. And Ate was trying to shake me up and make me smile. Ate is a smart girl. And I felt so stupid reasoning out like it wasn’t obvious. I was doing all those defense mechanisms to protect my ego. But I was actually worsening what I feel.
I was afraid of the storm because I order myself to be afraid. I have been used to that. I have been feeling that way before. But what the hell? I haven’t been harmed since. I just go frantic when it happens but I don’t know why.
I fear nature. Something uncontrollable. Something unpredictable. This will happen over and over again if I don’t conquer it. A fear will always be a fear if you won’t try facing it.
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