How are you doing? I hope you're fine. I'm not. I'm living in a whole new world now. A world which I don't know a thing about. I'm clueless about this situation. I've never been independent. I'm spoiled. I've never been away from home. I've never been away from the ones I love. I didn't know a world like this could make my heart ache from time to time. Yes, I chose this. And I'm a freak for that. Sometimes, I've thought of giving up more than once, I tell you. But I remain 'strong' in front of other people so they won't meddle up on me and tell me thing's will be okay. Because I know it's not. I'm such stupid dumbass! Why did I ever choose this? When I know from he first place that it'll do me no good? Maybe I've thought that it would be wonderful because it's another world and Ilo-Ilo is like my second home. But Kalibo will never be replaced. I'm not sure if I could carry on. I'm easily scared. I'm vulnerable. I don't know how to deal with my feelings. I don't need sympathy. I need strength. Lots of it. Strength so carry on. Strength to smile. Strength to face every morning with a smile. And strength to make everybody proud. This might be one of my wrong decisions. One of the worst. But can wrong decision turn of right? Can it be a decision that would make me utter "Thank God that I took this path"? No. I don't think so.
My college life isn't at it's best. But not yet at it's worst. I have a couple of friends. I'm afraid of my future life there. Not that people would harm me or anything. It's just that people there are mature. They think maturely. While me, I'm still stuck at being a kid who would stop crying with a lollipop. Since I was in elementary, I hated leaving home because I'm afraid of what might happen to me. I'm afraid that maybe, something unexpected would show up. And yet I chose a university. Fuck. Yeah. I did. And a life in a university is full of surprises. I'm dead afraid of the initiation. I'm afraid of being humiliated. I've been through a lot of humiliations way back. Having more would make me insane. I don't know how to get through this. Now that I've tasted home again, it would be godamn hard to go away again. I feel like I don't want to go back to Ilo-Ilo. I want to stay here. Where I can be myself. I can be at my worst. I can be that dandy little hard headed girl that often sets the house in chaos. I want to be that. Not the student who goes to school prentending everything's fine while in fact, she's falling apart.
I can't tell this to any member of my family you know. Because they would tell me that it's the best thing to do. So that I'll learn to be independent. I can't. Please don't tell me to prevent from saying 'CAN'T' because above anyone else, I know myself better. And in this stage, I know, for sure that I 'CAN'T'. If they ask me 'how are you?' I don't know how to answer. Because oftentimes, when they ask me that question, I answer, "I'm fine. I'm alive and kicking!" But now, I can't answer. I say 'fine' and proceed to another topic.
Let me tell you something, I chose to study and board in Ilo-Ilo because I'm sick of the comparison. They keep comparing me to my sister. What can I do? She's smarter, she's stronger. You can't dictate those things to me. Because she is she. And I am me. We have differences. And there are things that she can do that I can't. I wanted to show all of them that I'm not just a worthless bum who writes those freaking romance novels. I want to be independent. But that 'WANT' isn't strong enough to persuade me to go through everyday without crying.
Some tell me that this part is important because this is where I learn to live without Mama. Sometimes, I want to ask. Why do I have to learn to live without Mama? My sister didn't. She transferred in Kalibo on the second semester of her college life. That was a conflict. I'm afraid to make the same decision. Because I saw how people reacted with what happened. And I salute my sister for being so strong. She is smart and she deserves the best schools in the country. Yet she chose to be here in Kalibo. How about me? I'm not that smart. I could study here in Kalibo and yet survive. I want to tell them I can't do it. I can't continue. I can't bear being away. I can't fave that effing college life. I can't continue being away from my parents, my family and my friends. I CAN'T!
Rockin' out,
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