Sometimes, I have thought of myself as an effective actress. Not onstage, per se. More of like a life actress. Life is a movie, God is the writer and director. And just like how they do it in the movies, only the director and the writer knows how the story ends. But throughout the movie, the actress/actor portray roles that fools the audience.
I am the lead character of the movie of my life. There are conflicts, a share of dramas, comedies. But a lot of things in my life spin around the "fooling" part.
Sometimes, you would think you know a certain person well in fact, you haven't covered even a half of who she is. Would tell her to do something without knowing what she feels about it. Would give advices not knowing if she agrees. And sometimes, it gets a little bit tiring.
People would often perceive that once you're a happy person, you'd know how to laugh those problems out. But the truth is, the most jolly and happy persons share the most tormenting and heart-breaking dramas.
I wouldn't say that I have those kind of "dramas", per se. But I do have shares of dramas.
When I'm mad at a person, you wouldn't see me cursing at the person. I would smile at him. But then, I would curse and hate him through writing. I don't tell people how I feel. I don't let them inside me. But there are times that they are hard to keep. And there would always be this unlucky person who'd play the role of the "No-choice-Himutok-listener". And I would always love those persons who listen to me.
Most people say I'm sweet. But do you know that I only say "I love you" to my parents and my loved ones when there are occasions? Like Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversaries, etc. And I would always cry when I write them.
Speaking of crying. Do you know that I am actually "Iyakin"? I wet my pillows at night hiding my tears and reason out that I lacked sleep that's why I have swollen eyes in the morning. My friends think that I'm tough. Treat me as the "older" sister because I give advices and tell them what's right to do. But you know what? I don't even think if I could do those advices I'm giving.
I am weak. Indeed, yes I am. I would look tough and "mataray" to other people. But do you know I haven't looked at a person with piercing and angry eyes? I am quite boyish, yes. But I haven't punched anybody ever.
The thing I hate about this is that certain people don't know how to comfort a sad and crying jolly friend. The part where you're already crying your heart out but yet, they still think it's a joke and laugh at it. The part where you post something because you're effing angry and they reply "haha". The time where you need someone who'll tell you they love you but receives a negative judgment about your personality. I'm tired of being judged. Books are not judged by their covers. Can persons be not judged by the way they fool you with their smiles?
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