"It's never too late to have a happy childhood."
-Tom Robbins-
To everyone else in the world, their childhood memories would probably be the best. Recalling how beautiful the world is. Remembering memories of running through the fields, playing under the rain, talking about childhood crushes and playing tricks on the adults...I wish mine was like that. I wish I had memories and stories to tell on how to catch fishes on the sea, how to climb trees, how beautiful Baguio is, how fun it is to play. I wish I had those.
Everytime I remember how I was as a child still triggers my lacrimal glands. They produce tears by themselves. You see, while children were probably running around the field and enjoying the vast green fields and breathing fresh air, I was clumped up in a corner of a room, crying and having a hard time to breathe. I never knew how to climb up trees and steal our neighbor's fruits just like my sister and cousins do. I never experienced running around like a newly freed horse from a dungeon. I never got familiarized with how the rain feels on my bare skin.
When I was a kid, I was half normal and half hysterical. I had nervous breakdown. It's probably one of the biggest pain I have ever felt. I never knew how to be a kid. I never pictured life to be perfect, beautiful and amazing. As a kid, I viewed life as a nightmare, full of dark vibes and bad people. That if I'd out of my parents/guardian's touch, I'd be harmed.
The most humiliating thing I am proud of is having a "Yaya" look after me while I'm still studying. My "School Phobia" went ON and OFF depending on the impact that had "IT" triggered. I even stopped schooling for months just because I'm afraid of school. I'm afraid that my teacher would scold me. And above all, I'm afraid of failing.
I attended two schools on my kindergarten. I had to transfer to Manila because of my Lola. Nonetheless, I was the class' valedictorian even if I was gone for two months. After my recognition on Kinder One, my parents decided to enroll me immediately to grade one and skip Kinder Two. But it seemed like it wasn't how I liked it. I never knew it then. I just lived my life according to my parents' orders.
It was normal for a kid to have school phobia especially if it's his/her first time. But when she turns 7, 8, 9, 10 and so on, it's not easy. Will NEVER be easy.
I had my 'yaya' since I was in grade two. Went okay alone on grade three and four. Got triggered on grade five and six. Until high school. My first three years in high school was half Hell.
It's a point where I needed to meet my TRUE friends. But how can I find them if everybody was talking behind my back because someone had to look after me at school? I had to be accompanied by someone so I'd stay calm. I drank anti-depressants so I would be calm and won't go hysterical. But it never worked. My heart beats like crazy whenever I hear thunder. There was even a time I hallucinated that I heard thunder and saw lightning. It scares me everytime I remember it. Knowing how close I had been to insanity.
I never had consistent friends. Everybody talked behind my back and laughed at me because I acted like a dum-dum. I was afraid to trust people when I heard my friends talking about me and heard them say that I was different. That was the only point in my life where I got hurt because of the word 'different'. There were few people who were willing to get close to me because I was always distant. But all I wanted was someone who would have the guts and befriend me even if I was 'different'.
So right now, the effect of me being TOO distant to people when I was young, is ME who is too selfish to share people I love the most. I sought for love that I have never felt from a friend. I sought for people who would understand me. And then I would treat them as my own. Like I own them. And nobody can own them too.
But then I thought, meeting new friends and sharing the friendships would bring more friends. Meaning, more love.
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