40 Universal Truths
1. Porn and cats are overrepresented on the internet
2. Pizza is overwhelmingly the most popular thing people throw up.
3. Fat people, tourists and golfers always wear tucked in golf shirts.
4. Newspapers are failing, yet their idea of promotion remains giving away week long subscriptions
5. Some of the worst writers anywhere, studied English Lit.
6. When you have 10 channels, you can always find something to watch. When you have 500, you complain there’s nothing on.
7. Flight deals continue to be reported without taxes included, even though everyone hates this.
8. Waiting for an ATM is much more frustrating than waiting for a bus.
9. People take too much time deciding where to sit in movie theaters, when it really doesn’t matter unless someone really tall sits in front of you.
10. People who write ‘Epic fail’ blog comments, have an IQ of 73.
11. Baseball caps and sandals are almost uniformly ugly, yet there’s not a single person who doesn’t own one or the other.
12. Ring tones ruin every song.
13. On panel discussion shows, someone always says “It’s important to remember, they’re not a monolithic group”
14. If you make fun of a shitty band from the 70s, someone who stopped listening to music in 1989 will complain.
15. If someone really really liked the movie Titanic, they’re probably not worth having as a friend.
16. The more famous the guest, the duller the interview
17. The people most likely to complain about the government, tend to have a mustache, a beer gut and a home with a garage.
18. Police officers always ask you questions you both know the answer to.
19. Government workers and transit employees move very slowly.
20. 6 O’clock newscasts always do segments on how nice the weather was, despite everyone knowing this.
21. People always think their birthday/anniversary lottery numbers have a better chance at winning than randomly generated ones.
22. People frequently smile for no reason when they’re walking up and down the aisles on a flight.
23. Bluetooth headsets look completely moronic.
24. All light beers are awful.
25. Never befriend anyone who uses a calculator to determine tips.
26. At the gym, there’s always someone who nonchalantly walks around naked.
27. You should only have to thank someone for holding a door for you, if they allow you to pass through first or if you’re carrying something.
28. Good music was made (and continues to be made) in every decade and people who claim otherwise, tend to have stopped listening to music in whatever decade they say was the best.
29. It’s virtually impossible not to know somebody who plays the guitar
30. Leaning on your horn longer than 3 seconds is indicative of psychopathy.
31. Pharmacies are always too brightly lit.
32. Anything described as the ‘feel-good movie of the year’, is crap.
33. People who work at polling stations are always happy, voters always miserable.
34. The people most fearful of crime in big cities, don’t live in big cities.
35. Tipping when you get a pick-up order at a restaurant, is confusing.
36. Two key indicators of whether a neighborhood is shit:
a) a cash advance/pay day loan outlet
b) an all-night coffee shop
37. People who advocate raising the minimum wage, are treated like Trotskyites.
38. People who can’t enjoy the occasional beer or a glass of wine, don’t enjoy life.
39. Economists always have pattern baldness
40. People who eat at hotel restaurants, don’t deserve to visit other countries.
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